Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Ever longed to have something Witty to say?

I don't much care for emotions.  They are messy, often wrong, and very, very complicated.  I was raised to believe that your family came first no matter what.  We are a close family.  We are NOT perfect far from it.  But we are loyal, we love one another, we drive one another crazy, and I love them.

I am rambling, so if you want to exit now that is fine.  I don't think there is any guessing that I love The Man very much.  I adore my kids.  I can be aloof (because I am so tender hearted), I can be stand offish (because I feel betrayal very deep), I am reserved (because when I love it goes DEEP), I can be prickly (because I am afraid), and I would never intentionally hurt someone.  And sometimes, sometimes, I rant and rave and throw tantrums cause emotions can be contained for only so long before it gets unmanageable.

All that being said, I don't do forgiveness well.  It is a character flaw.  Well, at least for me.  I wish I could be more Christ like, more gracious, kind, and loving when having been wronged over and over but well, I'm not there yet.

It is no secret that my in laws despise me.  I won't go into the wheres and why fors.  Just suffice to say, it's just not pleasant.  I knew them before they were my in laws and I thought we had a wonderful relationship.  When The Man and I got married, I was thrilled, to think that I was going to have in laws whom I had a good relationship with.  I just knew in my heart that when the girls all got together and the subject of inlaws came up, I would be able to say... "I hate it for you girls, I have great ones."

They were were accepted into my home (before it was our home), they were guests in my parents home.  They were extended every courtesy, because I loved them.  His dad in particular.  I truly adored him.  I opened my heart to them because I am madly in love with their son, and just knew that was a GREAT thing to have in common and that we would merge our families, and it would be marvelous.  Afterall, there were children and all.

Needless to say, it didn't happen that way.  And The Man?  Well, he chose his family (us and the kids), when I never wanted there to have to be a choice.  I have never had anyone love me like he does.  He is my best friend.  He is good and decent and honorable, and kind.  He thinks I am amazing.  He is trying so very hard to be the HoH that I need, and he holds himself to a higher standard.  I hate there was ever a choice. 

This is the struggle, any time his parents are mentioned, I am terrified.  I am terrified of more upset.  I am terrified it will be a fight between The Man and I.  I am terrified that ANOTHER shoe is going to fall. I am terrified he is going to choose them over me.  I am terrified that something else will be twisted.  I am terrified of more betrayal.  And....  I feel the hurt and betrayal all over again, because I loved them.  There I said it.  I don't know how to get over it.  I don't know how to make My Sweetheart understand.  I don't know how to NOT long for in laws that can manage to tolerate me.

9 comments:

  1. Dana, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with so difficult a situation. I totally understand why your emotions come flooding back. Betrayal wounds deeply and is not something one tends to forget. The Man chose you and he will continue to choose you each time I am sure. Perhaps you can tell him how deeply you feel this hurt over and over and tell him how he can lessen your fears when his parents are brought up. Some reassurance from him each time that you are still his choice over them might help. If he reads your last paragraph I think he will understand how you feel. I think his understanding is a key ingredient to your healing, and the hurt should lessen with time.

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    1. Joanie,

      thanks so much for the kind words. We have talked about it. Alot. I try not to talk with him about it anymore as I know it is very painful for him as well.

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  2. Hi Dana, I'm truly sorry to hear that you have trouble with anyone. The one thing I would encourage you to remember about forgivness is that its not so much a feeling, but a choice. And many times we have to choose it almost minute by minute. Sometimes it takes years, but it is a choice. It's a choice to give up our right to our "pound of flesh" so to speak, and to turn that right over to God himself. I usally just prey about it and say "Ok Lord, I'm going to choose to forgive this person, even though I don't feel it or want to, but I need your help because I need to", this takes it off of my plate, and put's it on his. Some times I have to say that in my head every single time I think about the person. But it helps. It helps to heal my heart. Otherwise we stay bound to that person and the situation and can't become unglued from it. So it just goes round and round in our head and our heart and can become a very deistructive force in our lives without us even knowing it. We often think it isn't working just because it doesn't happen over night, but it is, and it also means we are being obedient to Him as well.

    I hope this helps, and finds you in a better place today. Just remember, we all love you friend, you matter to us, and we'll prey for you too.

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    1. You my friend are wise. I know what you say is true. I just can't seem to get there. I'm trying.

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  3. Wow...that sounds like a really crummy, tough situation. Sorry to hear you have such a tough time with the in-laws. I have had some similar family situations and know the pain and just the huge mess that than kind of thing causes. I know the hurt isn't something that fades quickly. Sorry for your tough situation and wishing you all the best.

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    1. thank you for being so kind. It has been rather difficult.

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  4. Okay, I'm just going to say what I'm thinking...that just plain sucks. I'm sorry that you find yourself in such a family situation. :( Family can be wonderful, the most supportive, the most loving...or they can be the most hurtful, the most destructive and the most hateful. The only real advice I can offer is to pray for them. People who are hurtful are generally hurting inside themselves and taking it out on others. That doesn't excuse their attitude or behavior mind you. The other thing is, remember to keep healthy boundaries with them. Some of my relationships with family members are not what I would like them to be either, but there's just not much I can do about it.

    As for your husband, he obviously loves you and you need to trust him. It's got to be hard for him, but he's chosen you and I think you need to trust that he will continue to do so.

    Anyway, I'm sorry you're hurting, know that you aren't alone in dealing with bad family relationships, and realize that as long as you're being the person that you want to be for yourself and your husband and children, the rest is really up to them...you never know though, God may intervene and change their hearts one day. (((hugs)))

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  5. Oh Grace,
    I truly wish I could be as encouraging to you as you are to me. Not one time have you come through my blog that you haven't left either comfort or wisdom or both. Thank you so much for taking the time to do so!!

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    1. Dana, don't sell yourself short. You have been encouraging to me as well! :)

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