I don't much care for emotions. They are messy, often wrong, and very, very complicated. I was raised to believe that your family came first no matter what. We are a close family. We are NOT perfect far from it. But we are loyal, we love one another, we drive one another crazy, and I love them.
I am rambling, so if you want to exit now that is fine. I don't think there is any guessing that I love The Man very much. I adore my kids. I can be aloof (because I am so tender hearted), I can be stand offish (because I feel betrayal very deep), I am reserved (because when I love it goes DEEP), I can be prickly (because I am afraid), and I would never intentionally hurt someone. And sometimes, sometimes, I rant and rave and throw tantrums cause emotions can be contained for only so long before it gets unmanageable.
All that being said, I don't do forgiveness well. It is a character flaw. Well, at least for me. I wish I could be more Christ like, more gracious, kind, and loving when having been wronged over and over but well, I'm not there yet.
It is no secret that my in laws despise me. I won't go into the wheres and why fors. Just suffice to say, it's just not pleasant. I knew them before they were my in laws and I thought we had a wonderful relationship. When The Man and I got married, I was thrilled, to think that I was going to have in laws whom I had a good relationship with. I just knew in my heart that when the girls all got together and the subject of inlaws came up, I would be able to say... "I hate it for you girls, I have great ones."
They were were accepted into my home (before it was our home), they were guests in my parents home. They were extended every courtesy, because I loved them. His dad in particular. I truly adored him. I opened my heart to them because I am madly in love with their son, and just knew that was a GREAT thing to have in common and that we would merge our families, and it would be marvelous. Afterall, there were children and all.
Needless to say, it didn't happen that way. And The Man? Well, he chose his family (us and the kids), when I never wanted there to have to be a choice. I have never had anyone love me like he does. He is my best friend. He is good and decent and honorable, and kind. He thinks I am amazing. He is trying so very hard to be the HoH that I need, and he holds himself to a higher standard. I hate there was ever a choice.
This is the struggle, any time his parents are mentioned, I am terrified. I am terrified of more upset. I am terrified it will be a fight between The Man and I. I am terrified that ANOTHER shoe is going to fall. I am terrified he is going to choose them over me. I am terrified that something else will be twisted. I am terrified of more betrayal. And.... I feel the hurt and betrayal all over again, because I loved them. There I said it. I don't know how to get over it. I don't know how to make My Sweetheart understand. I don't know how to NOT long for in laws that can manage to tolerate me.