Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Kindness of The Man

So, we are back.  The Man left today.  My heart is heavy, my bed is empty (well except for the dog) and I have had to put my big girl panties on...

On our flight back out, The Man was in no small amount of pain with a tooth gone bad, it was a red eye flight (meaning we flew all night long) and I have to take dramamine to survive.  The Man is very thoughtful.  He is loving, he is kind and he delights in giving me gifts that mean something extra special to me.  I love to read.... OH how I love to read.  So, three years ago, for Christmas, I received a Kindle.  I have loved it, passworded it, babied it, (gotten in trouble of the point, click, receive = lower bank account).  So, in my sleepy haze filled worry over my Man, care to take a guess at what I left on the plane?

This was my baby......


The pain was really quite excruciating.  I felt dumb, forgetful and not a very good steward of what my Husband had given me.  He tried to go back and get it, but alas, there was no one there.  He assured me that it was completely understandable given the circumstances.  I still just feel crummy, ya know?  So, he left today, but before he got on the plane, we were able to talk and he said, so.. have you read the email I sent you?  I said,  NO BaBE.. I'm sorry, I haven't had time to breathe, it being my first day back at work.  So, this is what I found when I got home tonight.

Dana,

Your new kindle is on it's way! I would like you to contact Delta through their website anyway and see if you Kindle can be found. Either way, you should have a Kindle by next week! I don't want you to feel bad about losing it. As tired as we were and with Dramamine, It's a small thing.

I thought I had some other things when I started this e-mail, but they've escaped me. So know I love you. I really enjoyed canning with you last night, and know I will miss you terribly while I'm gone.

Love Michael


We came home last night and promptly canned 13 quarts of green beans from our garden.  He is so good and it often shames me that I am short with him.  I get tired, frustrated when I can't find things, or they are out of place, or he has what he calls an ADD moment and I am quick to criticize.  I let my emotions get the better of me, I get frightened and I run from him or strike out instead of running to him or trusting him to lead as I know he can.  He shows me by example what forgiveness is, understanding, and patience.  His worst fear is that he will fail me, that he will not be the leader that I need and our family needs.  I often wonder how he can ever think that when it is so obvious that if heart and wisdom is what makes a good leader, he has it in spades.


Sunday, July 29, 2012

Back to Reality...

Things are never quite what we plan.  Usually, when The Man and I go away, we are chocked full of plans and come home more exhausted than when we left.  This time however, we have gotten what we needed most.  Rest.  Unfortunately, it came at the expense of The Man having an abcessed tooth.  Needless to say, it has been low key.  However, I have been able to do something very special, and that is totally focus on him.  I have been very focused on his needs, his comfort.  It has been pretty special.  We have been able to do some very special things this time out. 

We walked leisurely through old Sacramento which held lots of memories for him, and The Man got us ice cream.  WooHoo.. no paddle involved.  We then had a wonderful dinner.  When we came back, we had a very heart felt discussion as to how we wanted our retreat to go.  We both agreed that we needed time to focus strictly on us, our relationship, Dd and how we want it to improve our marriage.

We had a lovely evening with his family and then spent the next afternoon going to a winery that has the most lovely, yummy, sweet, yeah..  really, REALLY awesome wine.  Purchased what we wanted, shipped it home and then went to his reunion. 

We have had a lazy day today.  He is battling pain, but we are heading home soon.  All in all, it has been a really good time away.

Friday, July 27, 2012

TTWD and Vacationland

You are all wondering aren't you?  I know you are.  You are wondering what I did to get spanked on vacation.  Well, I didn't do anything, but ask for it.  I know this sounds strange to many, not so strange to some and downright curious to others.

You see, spanking is often a huge stress relief for me.  It's how I'm wired.  I am also very aware that it's the emotional and mental difference between a "maintenance or stress relief spanking" and a "punishment" is huge for me.  Punishment is so very stressful for me because I am a pleaser at heart and to disappoint him and myself is often crushing to me.  There is also the natural fear of him being angry (this is all on me, he has NEVER done anything to cause me to fear him).  But a relief spanking now that is very different, and often much harder and longer, as my mind is in another space and I crave the release.

That being said, I have a pleasantly sore bottom, and slept like a baby last night.  Well, until The Man woke up with a terrible tooth ache.  That is taken care of and we are going to see a dentist in a little bit.  This is the first trip we have taken truly under TTWD as a full time lifestyle.  It has been good in places, very good in places, and a struggle in others.  You see, I don't fly well.  I am really REALLY convinced if God had meant me to fly, He would have given me wings.  So, I'm nervous, tired, anxious (read cranky here) and I get motion sick.  I am proud to say, we made it with little to no incident.  Once we finally got to the rental car (read huge aggravation on my part) and were in it, and the last person stopped us, I said under my breath,  "OH for Gods sake I am trying REALLY hard not to embarass my husband and behave myself and could you people help me out just a little?"  The Man, looked so serious and said, "What can I do to help, cause you are doing a great job this time."  Yea, made it ALL worth it.  I shut my mouth and leaned back.

Please, PLEASE, keep my in your thoughts this evening.  We are going to have dinner with folks from his family.  There is a huge breach here.  His parents hate me.  Whereas we are not having dinner with them, his mother in particular has made it very clear to the entire family what a horrible person I am, (via Email, I received a copy of it).  I want to be the perfect spouse for The Man.  I want to do him proud.  However, I feel like I am at a serious deficit.  The Man tries very hard to build me up to them at every chance, I am embarassed by what she has done and feel like there is nothing I can do to make it better.  Let me be clear, The Man does not care what they think, and have made it clear that I am his wife.  I however hate feeling like I am the cause of the loss of his family.  I would hate that as I love my family very much.

On a happier note, we are going to the Zoo how cool is that?

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Vacation... Vacation...

Never it let it be said that I can not take a page from someone else's book, read it, and then Implement it.  After reading another bloggers entry that I have great respect for....  Red Booty Woman.. are you reading?  Are you?  Huh?  Huh?  The Man and I are going away for the weekend.


Pretty isn't it? 

I am in a similar situation with family and responsiblities.  I don't feel I am even close to in the ball park with the other person, but still.  It's hard and often stressful.  So... I called my OTHER sibling and left the follow message: 
"Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going out of town, well state actually for a few days.  The folks seem to be fine, but if they need something, I'll need you for back up.  Thanks, Love ya Bye."

And is anyone reading this message surprised that I got a phone call this morning?  "Where ya going?  What are you doing?  How long will you be gone?  I don't think you are allowed to leave the state... (said jokingly)"  To which I replied,  "And this is why I waited till the last minute to tell ANYONE I was going."  "Just, please, play back up and I'll be home on Monday."

So... drum roll, please..... The Man and I are going away just the two of us for 4 count them 4 glorious days. 




Sunday, July 22, 2012

New Perspective

It was an awesome day yesterday.  The Man and I spent all day together working on one thing and then the other.  I had pool time to soak up some sunshine and then we got ready to go out with friends.  Before we left, I made the decision that I was going to make a conscious decision to defer to my husband this evening.  I wanted to see if my friends would notice.  Well, to be honest, I wanted to see if it would improved their behavior.  They are amazing people, both of them.  They both also really struggle with appropriate behavior after alcohol is introduced.

We had a wonderful dinner.  I quietly asked if he would mind ordering for me, he just smiled and said, "Consider it done."  It was a delightful evening of adult conversation, a little risky in places but all in fun.  When it came time to pay, I quietly handed him the bank card (I carry it because I am the one who is here 12 months out of the year) so that he could pay.   I always enjoy watching my husband interact with others.  He gets along with everyone and you would never guess he is a genius. By that I mean, he doesn't put on "airs" or make others feel stupid or that he is more important or more intelligent.  Last night, was a special treat because there was one or two in the group that were much like him.  He truly shines and I am always proud of him.

I was only disheartened when it came time to pay.  The Man did not realize what I was trying to do and brought to light the "card" was mine and that I was playing Sugar Mama tonight.  It was done in a light hearted fashion and I was in no way offended.  I was however, a little sad.  I was trying so hard to support and make his position as leader of our home obvious to others.

Now, I don't have alot of tolerance for public displays of stupidity.  After dinner, we went to a bar that had music and we were outside chatting.  My friends were becoming a bit more boisterous.  We were having a good time, and then one crossed a line and The Man looked at me, and I said, "Stop it, now."  The friend made a joke (increased volume included).  I simply said, "I will get up and leave right now.  You are not going to embarass me in public."  The Man just smiled.  See, this friend is MY friend from childhood, so the big guy was giving me a chance to handle it. 

I think the biggest shocker was when after the third drink was finished, and my friend was going to order another, I said, "It's okay, he's not going to let me have another one."  My friend asked The Man, and the my loving husband started to soft pedal it (in his mind he was saving face for me), and I simply said, "Honey, it's ok, you don't have to explain anything to him."  At that point, ALL conversation stopped as my friend was at a loss (not an easy thing to do).  The good mood was recovered quickly and we said our good byes while my friends were still on the "good" side of the booze.

The really awesome thing is, I found out this morning, that my friends decided to leave right after us.  I consider that a direct response to my choice to make it obvious that appropriate behavior is not only appreciated but expected, and that My Man protects me and shelters me when I'm having a good time.  I forgot to mention, he made it obvious that he would not be drinking more than one as I was drinking that evening and not only was he driving, he needed to be able to care for me. TTWD permiates every aspect if you let it.  We are learning.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Night Sounds...

Yes, it is late at night.  I have had a full day.  I had the rare treat of snuggling with The Man this morning and going to lunch with him.  Our day has been filled with plans.  Plans for the house, plans for the yard, plans for his shop, plans for my  garden and plans for us.  He is one that I can dream with, hope with, share, and build a life with.

We found ourselves being gifted with LOTS of corn that had to be put up tonight.  So, he gathered our two young men and shucked the corn and then helped me cut if off the cob and can it.  (I love to can).  He kept me company while I worked out in the pool.  Throughout the day, there have been sighs, laughter, giggles, and fierce I love you's.

But now, right now, when all is done, everyone is sleeping, our home is quiet, and I have the joy of The Man laying beside me in our bed and softly snoring.  Telling me that he is here.  I am not alone.  I know that when I lay down, he will open his arms, even in his sleep and welcome me into the haven of safety I have come to crave when I lay in his arms.  He will pull me close, wrap his arms around me and I will be enveloped in a cacoon that only he can create for me.  I never sleep as well as when he is with me.  This quiet, loving, brilliant, forgetful, perplexing man whom I love.

Sleep on Sweet Giant.  How I love the sound of knowing you are home.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Roll out the Red Carpet.... Strike up the Band....

I love, LOVE this time.  The Man comes home tomorrow.  I am so ready to see him.  Not even the impending doom of this....
He is good, he is kind.  He understands and gets it.  I never feel less than.  I am disappointed in myself and hate that I have put him in a position to spank me (this time).  I want to be really clear.  I am not all sunshine and roses.  I'm not always submissive.  Sometimes, I just don't want to.  Can't want to. Can't think to want to.  At those moments, it's just worth it.  The spanking, the need to stomp my foot or "stub up" and insist on my way.  Mostly I need to know he's man enough to handle me.  There, I said it.

I will   be at the airport tomorrow, waiting anxiously for him to come down the stairs.  How I love that man, even the part of him that loves me enough to spank me good...

Sunday, July 15, 2012

I'm Proud to Say....

The Man and I, we have 5 kids.  His, mine and we've made them all ours.  I have 4 boys and one girl.   Let me introduce you to them.

Our oldest son is married to a doctor.  He is the coordinator of a sizeable community garden project in an urban area.  He also volunteers at the food pantry where the garden is.  He is a gentle soul who fiercely believes in equality for all.

Our daughter just got married (I am still recovering from the wedding in April...)  She is bright, sensitive, creative, and has a core of courage that makes us both proud.  Her husband has a degree in math and they are learning what works for them in their new marriage.

Our 18 year old son just graduated high school and has overcome many obstacles.  He is learning to navigate life.  He has his father's intelligence.  He plays the guitar and loves to hunt.

Our 16 year old son is our gentle giant.  He is quiet, reserved and never misses a thing.  He has a very dry sense of humor.  He will more than likely be our one to go into the millitary.  He has a sense of honor that dictates he serve his country and protect it in this manner.  He is bright, loyal, faithful, and just taught his first men's bible study for Mission night with the Men's brotherhood at church.

Last but not least, our 13 year old son.  He is funny, stubborn, compassionate, loving, exceptionally bright, and one day I am going to write a book about him.  It's going to be titled.  The World according to...

Now, for the rest of the story...  Our 16 year old has a girlfriend.  Last night I had the priviledge of discussing with him what was important in a relationship.  They are attending a youth event together tomorrow through church.  I talked with him about appropriate behavior and that as a young man, and the leader of the relationship, it was his responsibility to take care not only his reputation, but hers.  That when you care for someone, you put what is best for them ahead of what you may want.

I explained to him that honorable men, respect not only those they care about but also themselves enough to conduct themselves in a manner that is above reproach.  In short, that he would treat her in a manner he would want his sister treated.  I told him that as the young man in the relationship it was his responsibility to set the standard of behavior for both himself and the relationship.

I am proud to be able to say, I said all of this and ended it with, you know like your Dad does with me.  I am so proud of my husband, especially when I can say, "Your Dad is the leader of our home.  He is always deserves our respect because he has earned it."  My Man has a reputation that is above reproach.  He is known as a man who works hard to provide for his family.  He is known for his generous gentle spirit that would give anybody anything they needed if he could.  His known to be a man of his word, and he is teaching his sons by example how to live, and his daughter how to be treated.

Friday, July 13, 2012

WoooHooo!!!! It's Friday

ON THIS FRIDAY, I WANTED TO SHARE A LITTLE HAPPY



I LOVE DAISIES



THIS WAS MY NEW DOG AFTER MY SANDALS





OH YEAH!!!!!!




WORDS OF WISDOM......






IF ONLY THIS WOULD WORK....




AND LASTLY....







I HOPE I GAVE YOU ALL A CHUCKLE TO START YOUR DAY!!!!!!




Thursday, July 12, 2012

Veggie Tales and Mercy...

So, it's been quite a rough couple of weeks.  I try to be good.  I try to be positive, and the ladies on a site I chat have been so very encouraging (thanks guys).  However, at some point, you start thinking...  I'm pretty sure somebody else has a better life.  WHY doesn't anything bad EVER happen to them?  If I could be here or there, or this or that, life would be so much better.

So, last night, at church (I teach the kids on Wednesday night)  I got a very important message, and it came from all places....

Aren't they cute?


Basically, the message went like this, "God has placed you where you are.  You are right where you are supposed to be, in the rough times as well as the good."  Well I felt like someone had ...



Rung MY bell!!!

Yes, it has been tough.  Yes I have managed to earn a spanking while The Man is gone.  No, I don't particularly like it.  But I will try to remember while said spanking is being applied that God has placed me with a Man who understands mercy.  Mercy is when your wife forgets to make a doctor's appointment when she was given a time frame.  Mercy is understanding that at this point, an appointment with the GYN doctor + PTSD= Brain simply put it away somewhere for another day.  Mercy is when The Man said, "I don't know if you are beyond your time frame or not.  With what you have had on your plate, I'm not looking back to see.  MAKE the appointment today." 

Which I did, while I was on the computer with him.  I am where I am supposed to be.  In the rough.  In the tough.  In the fun.  In the silly.  In the happy.  And I wouldn't  be anywhere else.  I was prepared and told him that I would accept the consequences of not making the appointment even though I couldn't really remember the time frame.  My willingness to be honest and submit allowed for mercy.  (this time no ice cream cone was involved....)




Tuesday, July 10, 2012

DragonSlayer got singed

I am many things.  At work, I am affectionately called, "The Dragon Slayer".  You see, I work with hurting families, who often need an advocate to help them find their own way back to themselves.  The first priority is the safety of children.  I believe in what I do, am passionate about family and kids, all kids.  Well today, in court I got my wings singed.

I am fiery.  I have a strong personality.  I have like zero tolerance for stupid.  I am tough, I am fair.  I can be sarcastic.  And underneath it all, I have a very tender heart.  My feelings are often easily hurt.  I care about what other people think of me (well not everyone).

Tonight, I am heart weary.  It was one of those days where kindness was mistaken as weakness, compassion as apathy, and mercy for incompetence.  I know it's part of the job to be ridiculed.  I know there are times when the only argument the other side has is to take pot shots at me.  Normally, I take this in stride.  However, at times when my heart has gone out to the parents and I have tried my best to be merciful, compassionate, kind, and even made allowances for behavior, it's tough to be railroaded.   so I withdraw.  I hide behind walls.  I get prickly.  If I didn't love my dog, I'd kick the dog.  I don't like having my feelings hurt.  I don't like knowing that they can BE hurt.

I miss the man.  It's days like today it would end one of two ways.  I would either loose my cookies and end up with a very red bottom, or snuggled in his lap.  I'd like both of those today.  It's been a pretty rotten day today.  Tomorrow, is a new day.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Things that make you go Hmmmm...

It is simply the amazing, the information one can learn at 3am, 4 am or even 5am, when one has given up the appearance of trying to sleep and turning on the tv.
If the infomercials are any indication, Americans want to be free.  

They want to be fat free



This can be achieved by cleansing your colon (eww) while following the SENSA shaking on your food after participating in Your Body Type of taking the Insanity Challenge for 90 days Px.


They want to be Wrinkle free




This can be achieved by being Proactiv about the facial scrub that uses some kind of "melon"  that Cindy Crawford swears by not to be confused with the Mineral basics that Victoria Principal has been using for 15 years and looks 30 years younger.

They want to be hassel free (in the kitchen)



This is evidenced by the juicer, the gensi knifes, the slicer that talks to you, the convection oven that does EVERYTHING but wipe you nose, and the new set of baking pans that also double as jell-o molds..

AND

They want to  have smart kids


This is evidenced by the hooked on phonics, better behavior, memory improvement, better grades in

in six weeks with these new vitamins, exercises, programs... blah, blah, blah.


Personally, I wonder if all these info-mercials aren't meant to attempt to assist folks with insomnia...  Ya know, BORED to sleep.  You too can ponder these things and many more!!!  Just join me in insomnia land from 3-6am.  Thank GOD, at 6, Law And Order comes on....






Saturday, July 7, 2012

Are You Talking To ME?

I can be strong.  I can be independent.  I can be resourceful.  I can be tenacious.  I can be convincing.  I can be two places at once.(oops, got carried away)  I can be  stubborn and unrelenting.

That being said, there are times when I draw a line in the proverbial sand, lock my knees, put steel in my spine and hold myself so tight one might wonder if I'm breathing.  What could cause this phenonmenon, one might ask?  What could cause this woman who chooses to yield to her husband to balk?  Is it a rule?  No.  A circumstance they couldn't agree on?  No.  A decision I didn't agree with?  No. 

Through no fault of this wonderful man I married and believed and trust as my HOH, I occasionally suffer from symptoms of PTSD.  One used to be diagnosed with PTSD, but they have now changed the criteria to actively experiencing symptoms.  Having dealt with this for most of my life, had therapy, learned coping techiniques, I can tell ya, it sure FEELS like I HAVE it with me all the time.  Kinda like asthma or diabetes.  As long as it's under control, life is cool.  It's when there are "flare ups"  that you "experience symptoms."  I have to say, much like asthma, those words are a really poor description for what you are feeling with those "symptoms." 

Recently, I found myself in a situation that blind sided me.  Part of learning to deal with PTSD without medication for me (and I  would never say people shouldn't use medicine, it's just not something I wanted to do) was learning to identify "triggers".  Once  you have identified said triggers, you AVOID them when you can, or have ample time to prepare myself for what's coming.  Unless, of course you can't.  That is why it's called a surprise, or blindside, or sneak attack, or ambush, you get the idea.  Well, I didn't have time to prepare, or avoid or even remove myself from the situation without losing professional face.  Hence the current "flare up."

For those not familiar, this is how this plays out for me.  Until last night, I haven't slept for more than two hours at a time for 10 days.  I have this crushing feeling of impending doom.  You know that thing your heart does when someone scares you?  That fight or flight feeling that goes away after you the initial fright?  Well that stays with me.  I wake up feeling like I can't breathe.  So, one might could understand why The Man is concerned. 

Now, I have worked hard and he understands the quirks (well as good as anyone can).  More to the point, he wants to understand them.  I find myself in the position of all the coping skills that normally work, haven't.  So... the conversation went like this:

The Man:  "So, what would you do if it were a client and  you were talking to them?"

                              LONG PERIOD OF SILENCE

Me:  "But, I'm not a client."

The Man (rational, no nonsense):  "Answer my question, Please."

Me:  Please don't make me go talk to someone, you just have no idea.

The Man:  "I'm not saying you have to, yet, but you can't go on like this."

So, I dodged the bullet.  You see, it feels like failure when I have to go back.  I should be able to reapply those coping skills, afterall I have like a cosmic pair of "big girl panties" right?  I'm a professional... blah, blah, blah...  It amounts to, I'm afraid.  I'm afraid there is something in there that I don't remember.  I saw a sign once, "Its only fear that makes you run."  So, I knew the jig was up when a friend at work said, "What would you tell a client..."  Ah, you see the pattern.   So, The Man made me promise to go the natural health store and inquire as to what would be effective for anxiety.  I forgot yesterday.  In his gentle way, he let me know, that well that's not going to go well for me today.

One might ask how TTWD works with the complication of PTSD.  It works quite well.  You see, what I need more than anything is to feel safe, and well he does that for me.  I am able to sleep through the night most days.  I am learning to run to him instead of from him when I am afraid.  I am learning that just because I have a "flare up" doesn't mean I'm a failure or that I'm not all of the above things that I feel good about.  It also allows me to NOT be all those things, and just be his helpmate and his wife.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

What a candy bar and smokes will get ya...

Well, I promised to be fair, I promised to be honest.  I promise laughter when I can.   So, it's no secret from the previous entries that it just hasn't been sunshine and roses in my own little corner of the world.  And ya know?  That's life.  I know mine isn't any worse than others and better than many.

That being said...After the following:

1.  Major issue with my kid that caused enough hurt feelings for all involved
2.  The Man saying HE will handle it.
3.  The MAN being gone until 7/19/12
4.  The dog drinking anti-freeze after eating my garden
5.  Major upheaval with my folks
6.  A training that reared the ugly head of PTSD
7.  My mother going into the hospital
8.  My dad having to go to the wound center again...

Whew, that's enough bout that..  In the face of all of this, and ending with 2 hours of sleep in 72 hours, when the little voice that only thinks to make things better said, "well now, smokes help with this whole stressed thing, especially if you can get a candy  bar to go with it."

Well now... I would love to tell you I remembered the rules.  Well I did remember the rules.  I would love to tell you I obeyed the rules.  What I can tell you is....

                                                                THIS


PLUS THIS



EQUALS



I feel much better having come clean with The Man.  He was kind and loving, but yeah, I'm getting a spanking when he gets home because those are the rules.  Hopefully, the one I have coming will be enough to keep me on the straight and narrow.  His exact words were, "I am glad you told me.  I am going to spank you when I get home, but honey you have been under so much stress, I will keep that in mind when I do spank."  You can't ask for more than that.


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

CHEERS!!!!

There was a show set in Boston (I think) about a bar and the owner was Sam.  The theme song had a line that went like this.. "You want to go where everyone knows your name..."  Well, I would like to change that just slightly on occasion.  "I want to go where NOBODY knows my name."

And while we are on the subject, there are questions to ponder...  I am curious as to your thoughts and answers.

1.  If everyone is WARNED ahead of time that the mood is edgy, doesn't common sense tell you to step away from the woman in a cleaning frenzy?  And can she be held responsible for the flying missiles along the way?



2.  If the statement is made, "I just can't handle one more thing!"  Is it wise to hand over two?



3.  If  it is obvious that the woman has one nerve left... WHY would you want to stand on it?


Ya just gotta have a bit of a sense of humor about some things.  In my state of stressed, I missed the signal, I missed the sign.  The Man gave a direction and I puffed up and typed (we were on line together) YOU askin or Tellin!!!  With ALL the attitude that one can muster typing on line...  I got this simple message back... Tellin.  So, I reigned in, grumbled at the computer and said..... wait for it...  Yes Sir.  It was one of those moments... I am sitting down on the outside, but inside.. where it's counts, I am standing up, WAVING!!!  Needless to say, things are a bit topsy turvy right now, and I have no doubt that were he home, I'd have a red bottom by now, more for my sake than his.