There are good days and there are not so good, and then there was yesterday. When he is gone, I try very hard to handle things. What he does for a living requires his total attention because if he is distracted, people can get hurt. So I am careful how I tell him what is going on. Over emotional hysteria is not what he needs or what I want to give him.
I can be emotional. I am fiery, I am stubborn, I am strong, I am a mother, I am his wife, and someone mistreated two of our kids, and I think you can still see the smoke from the fireworks that ensued. My kids are good kids. They are kids. Within our mixed brew (his, mine and together we have made them ours). In the midst of our brew we have bipolar-autism plus, a form of asbergers, ADD and lots of very, VERY bright kids with many amazing talents. I only say the former so you understand my fierce, fierce protectiveness of our "gaggle".
So, last night while I was on the phone with my mother plotting the demise of all and sundry who had been a party to making my babies miserable, The Man made a surprise call. I am ashamed to say I started to fall back on old patterns of lying and saying everything was fine and that I was just tired, until I hear him say, "it's okay if you are busy and don't have time to talk to me." That is when I realized that yes, my heart was in the right place of wanting to protect him from the emotional stuff, that my alienation of him from our family is just that and is not good for either of us. So, I told him. I was able to discuss it without blowing a gasket.
Talking with him, sharing the load, helped me to handle the situation. By talking to him, I reigned in my emotions. Doesn't make my feelings wrong, but I want to handle it in a way that does not embarass my husband or is a poor reflection on his leadership of our home and his family. We are a team he said.
So, TTWD, it doesn't make life all better, but it does make "us" better. I fell back on his leadership, to conduct myself in an appropriate manner instead of throwing the God awful fit I am completely capable of, instead of making knee jerk decisions that is not the right way, instead of being ugly and hateful and taking it out on him or anyone near me. In a snap decision, based on who we are and who we are becoming, I ran to him instead of over him. I leaned on him instead of standing so tall, so straight and so rigid that he couldn't comfort me or know what was going on. And ya know what? He not only took it on his shoulders, he braced the weight enough to shelter me under those shoulders that the weight is on. Am I still mad? Yes! Am I still hurt? Yes! Am I all alone? Nope.