Saturday, June 30, 2012

Three Word Phrases... that lead to trouble...

All is well that ends well, right?  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  This week has been one that I have felt every last one of "hats" I wear.  Ya know... The Mommy hat, the wife hat, the daughter hat, the friend hat, the social worker hat, the children's church worker hat and the sister hat.. you get the idea.   We all have weeks like that right?

And when I have weeks like that, it's time to grab the boot straps, put the big girl panties on and suck it up right?  RIGHT!!

(OK, so they aren't your NORMAL bootstraps, but I'm not normal...)

So, throughout this week I found myself saying the same two phrases to The Man when he inquired how I was.  I'm just tired and....  I'll be fine.  These  are catch phrases for, I'm overwhelmed, I'm in a bad place and I have withdrawn behind the walls of self preservation, the draw bridge for the mote is UP and I have battoned down the hatches.  Which means, I am in a place so small and in a ball so tight that NO one can fit with me.  Afterall, I must be strong right?  Gotta hold it together? 

The Man is out of town working, so it makes it so much easier to put the boxing gloves on and stand tall.  I knew the jig was coming to a close when I read the message, "I'm going to want to hear that you have crashed in the very near future." (this is in reference to the whole two hours of sleep at a time since Tuesday).

Then there was the whole, I was under the impression when you didn't GO to the other doctor's appointment you had made a new one with the new doctor.  (Oops....)  Then I said, "Are you mad at me?"  No, I thought you were angry with me because of the doctor's appointment.  Then He explained that I had been rather "confrontational" about several things of late. 

I wonder if I will ever stop running from him to begin with and run to him?  He deserves so much more than that.  I feel like such a coward when I do this.  Can see myself doing it.  Try NOT to do it, but in the end, here I am, hiding, with the little part of me standing behind the guard hoping and praying that he'll scale the walls, and pick me up in his arms, put me in his lap and hold me.  Unfortunately, sometimes, that whole spanking thing has to happen before I wanna climb in his lap.  Cause well, I can pull my own lil red wagon.  Right?

Thursday, June 28, 2012

McDonald's is the culprit

So, I embarked upon the journey to weight loss a little over a year ago.  I have struggled all my life with it.  It makes me feel bad about myself and had lowered my self esteem to the place I avoided mirrors at all costs.  Then the doctor said the magic words, "Dana we are going to need to do something or in 6 months, I am going to be prescribing something for diabetes."  I had time to turn it around.  After thoughtful consideration, The Man asked me, "Would you like me to help you with this?"  I said, YES.  So, just so you have background.

He holds me accountable.  The only thing I am spanked for is an obvious breaking of my diet.  Especially when I know in my heart I shouldn't have had it.  Notice I didn't say weight gain, or no weight loss.  He feels that breaking my diet falls under not taking care of me both physically and mentally as the weight effects my health and makes me feel bad about me.   I can plan for special treats, so I don't feel cheated.  My worst spanking included (there were a list of transgressions) a breaking of the diet.

It's all McDonalds fault, followed closely by Dairy Queen.  I love, LOVE ice cream.  So, the McDonalds CEO received inspiration from the devil himself, and created the  M&M McFlurry LARGE size.  Dairy Queen CEO, not to be outdone, listened to the Devil Angel on his shoulder and the LARGE ice cream cone dipped in chocolate was spawned...

See, you see the conspiracy don't you.  I KNOW you do. 

The good angel on my shoulder says, "Dana, you need to eat a salad, and fruit.  You LIKE fruit.  The OTHER one, after knocking out the good angel says, "Eat the ice cream, order it, who's gonna know?  He's gone, you know you want it"

 Me-  No, it gets me spanked, I haven't planned for it, it's not in the calories today.

 "So, you control the calorie count, it doesn't have to go in this time." 

Me- THAT is lying by omission and that gets me in BIG trouble. 

" It would taste so good. Can't you taste it, feel it on  your tongue..." 

Me-  ARRGGHHH,   Yes, I would like a LARGE McFlurry.  And then I hear, does that complete your order.....

So, having learned a smidgeon of self control over these two temptations, the Devil known as the CEO of McDonald's has launched a new campaign.  Just when you thought it was safe to go to McDonalds and get a diet coke....

Warning.. Warning...  Warning...  THIS is what I found at McDonalds drive thru yesteday..
So, on days like yesterday, when temptation over takes me, and the devil angel wins, and I order the new cone.  (It was yummy) I find myself fervently praying I planned well on my calories and... something to this effect...

Cause I figure something like this is coming!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

What the World has made it

I spent the day today swallowing my tongue.  (Go ahead and chuckle).  I had a day of training and it was excellent training on domestic violence.

I was so sad as I sat there and drew comparisons between the loving feeling and the deep appreciation I have for my husband and our relationship, and what these women endure.  Am I spanked?  Yes!  Am I disciplined?  Yes!  Is he strong, confident, self assured, and very protective of me and the children?  Absolutely.  Am I cherished?  You bet.  The feeling of safety and security he provides for me, I wouldn't trade.  He values my opinion.  He encourages me to grow and daily expresses his love, and pride in me.  He has helped me rebuild my self esteem and encourages me to "shine".  He is the God appointed leader of our home and my HOH as well as spiritual leader of our home.

Weak men, distruction, and the world have distorted the way God intended things to be.  Men are charged to cherish their wives and love them as Christ loves the church, willing to give his life for her.  Men, who do not or will not step up to the plate and fulfill their God given charge to be head of their home (and this looks different for everyone) distort the roles which leads to abuse and pain.

I heard things that would curl your hair backwards.  I have long kept this secret.  My own personal shame.  My own dirty little secret so to speak.  I have worked hard, gotten help and oh how The Man has loved me.  I know the difference between what we have and abuse because my first husband was abusive.  There, I said it out loud and the earth did not shake nor come to an end (that is what my therapist used to say to me when I would stammer)

So, you see, it is easy for me to determine the difference.  Dd helps me feel stronger.  It helps me feel safe.  I feel loved, and cherished.  I can relax and oh.. how I love how sexy he looks in his mantle of authority.  Safety, I just can't say enough about safety.  I am not abused, abusers don't wake their wives up from a terrifying nightmare, knowing they will have to duck.  I am not demeaned.  Abusers don't say, "I am so glad you are losing weight for your sake, but remember I loved you and thought you were beautiful 45 pounds heavier."   I am not belittled or taken advantage of.  Abusers don't love their wives enough to keep them from doing harmful things that would hurt themselves or their relationship.

Abusers don't go to the vets office when it's time to say good bye to a true friend, and cry because their mate is heart broken.  It grieves me, oh how it grieves me to see how we as humans have allowed our roles to be distorted and what havoc it has wreaked with such devastating consequences.  But mostly, that it has caused those of us who live this life to be VERY cautious and secretive out of necessity to protect our men who are nothing like their imposters.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

So.. Yeah

Okay, Good Morning, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and it's Sunday.  Before TTWD, one of my favorite sayings was, "I would rather take a beating than....".  Yean, not so much anymore.  He does NOT beat me, but you get the humor.  I really don't want to go to church today. 

See, the folks that caused the issue with my kids are there.  The Man had made it clear that he will deal with this situation when he gets  home.  I was thrilled, relieved, had that, "My man is TEN feet tall feeling", and then it occurred to me.  That means that I am not to deal with it, fix it, enter into lengthy discussions, or attempt to resolve this issue. 

Yeah, I'm really excited about that.  That also means, if I'm not doing the above, I can't be sarcastic, caustic, or "put them in their place."  And since I'm writing this, I'm sure it has occurred to you THAT is just what I want to do.  Cause a stir, make them feel like my sons did, make SURE they understand what they've done.  Ya know, help out The Man.  I'm sure he could use my assistance with this.  I mean, he is so busy and all. 

Is anyone buying this?  At times like this, him being gone is tough.  It means this won't be dealt with for a while and I am okay with that.  However, in order for me to support his role and STAY in mine, it means not throwing that ugly, hateful, mean spirited, go for the throat fit that is being held hostage inside my heart.  On the brighter side, I have three weeks to figure out how to explain it to him if I fall off the wagon

Barring that, does anyone know how you extract a free pass?  A get out jail free card?  And can you use them if you get them AFTER you've committed the offense?

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Well, I have a temper

There are good days and there are not so good, and then there was yesterday.  When he is gone, I try very hard to handle things.  What he does for a living requires his total attention because if he is distracted, people can get hurt.  So I am careful  how I tell him what is going on.  Over emotional hysteria is not what he needs or what I want to give him. 

I can be emotional.  I am fiery, I am stubborn, I am strong, I am a mother, I am his wife, and someone mistreated two of our kids, and I think you can still see the smoke from the fireworks that ensued.  My kids are good kids.  They are kids.  Within our mixed brew (his, mine and together we have made them ours).  In the midst of our brew we have bipolar-autism plus, a form of asbergers, ADD and lots of very, VERY bright kids with many amazing talents.  I only say the former so you understand my fierce, fierce protectiveness of our "gaggle".

So, last night while I was on the phone with my mother plotting the demise of all and sundry who had been a party to making my babies miserable, The Man made a surprise call.  I am ashamed to say I started to fall back on old patterns of lying and saying everything was fine and that I was just tired, until I hear him say, "it's okay if you are busy and don't have time to talk to me."  That is when I realized that yes, my heart was in the right place of wanting to protect him from the emotional stuff, that my alienation of him from our family is just that and is not good for either of us.  So, I told him.  I was able to discuss it without blowing a gasket.

Talking with him, sharing the load, helped me to handle the situation.  By talking to him, I reigned in my emotions.  Doesn't make my feelings wrong, but I want to handle it in a way that does not embarass my husband or is a poor reflection on his leadership of our home and his family.  We are a team he said. 

So, TTWD, it doesn't make life all better, but it does make "us" better.  I fell back on his leadership, to conduct myself in an appropriate manner instead of throwing the God awful fit I am completely capable of, instead of making knee jerk decisions that is not the right way, instead of being ugly and hateful and taking it out on him or anyone near me.  In a snap decision, based on who we are and who we are becoming, I ran to him instead of over him.  I leaned on him instead of standing so tall, so straight and so rigid that he couldn't comfort me or know what was going on.  And ya know what?  He not only took it on his shoulders, he braced the weight enough to shelter me under those shoulders that the weight is on.  Am I still mad?  Yes!  Am I still hurt?  Yes!  Am I all alone?  Nope.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

What I don't want...

It's tough when there are moments that your life feels like the Facebook status, "it's complicated".    I am a helper by nature.  I "fix" things.  It's what I do, how I'm made.  It is hard when you realize, there are some things you just can't fix.

I am the daughter of a burly man of irish descent and a mother who, God love her, struggles with bipolar.  It is hard when you have to say to a parent, the other isn't all good, or all bad, but still my parent.  Which leads me to what I don't want.  I don't want to look back on my life and feel that my life has been a waste, that the only good thing from my marriage is my childen.  I don't want to confide in one of my children that I grieve daily that I wasted my life.

I don't ever want my kids to wonder how they can make things better.  I don't ever want them to wonder WHY we got married or feel like they ruined my life, just by being.  Or that I gave up my life because of them.  Or that they are the reason I lived a life of misery.

I don't want my children to ever wonder how the two people you love most in the world and are so good to you are so bad to one another.  I don't ever want my children to feel desperate to make me stop crying or how to intervene.  I don't ever want my kids to wonder how to be there for both their parents without taking sides..  What I really don't want, is for my children to ever feel this sad for two people they love.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

When he is gone..

My Man.  He is amazing!!  When he's not making me crazy.  Well even then.  He makes the sacrifices to provide for us.  He is gone for 28 days and home for about that.  The first few days I miss him so.  My heart longs for  him, yearns for him, and the bed?  It feels like it grew about 5 feet.  I hold his pillow and breathe in his scent.  I stay busy.  I raise our kids and TRY not to chew them up and spit them out.

Everyone at work knows "it's that day".  They leave me alone, they quietly support me, and try to stay under the radar.  I work with really great folks.

The worst part is before he goes to the rig.  He is lonely, he misses me, the kids, his bed, and us.  Before TTWD, it wasn't like this.  We were often more than ready to go our separate ways just to get a break from the tension.  Now, it's just not that way.  We are constantly amazed at how much better things are.

He is the love of my life.  I strive to be a better wife to him and mother to our kids.  The bottom line is, he makes me want to be a better me.  So, I will do the right things (hopefully), follow the rules (Please let that be the truth this time), and be so happy when he is home again (always)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Happy Father's Day

June 16, 2012

It is so amazing to watch "The Man" with our kids.  He is a man with infinite patience, tolerance, teaching ability, and is just down right fun.  His biggest gift is the gift of laughter and joy.  I have a tendency to take things very seriously and he balances me out.

It takesa very special man indeed to be daddy to children that are not biologically his.  Our older two were not born to him, but they are his all the same.  If you don't believe it, just ask him.  He will be quick to say, "I have 5 kids."  We don't have steps, halves and wholes in our crew.  We just have, "our gaggle".

He is such an honorable man who leads by example.  He shows our sons the way to treat your wife is with respect, honor and kindness, with alot of affection and fun thrown in.  He shows them the importance of providing for your family every time he gets on a plane to leave us for 28 days in order to take care of his family.  He is quick to admit his faults and hold them accountable for their behavior. 

The Man consistently finds ways to be positive with all of our children and build their self confidence.

So, on this day, I want to say


Friday, June 15, 2012

I Figured it out!! Well Sorta...

June 15, 2012

After much trial and tribulation, I have "created" a blog.  I really, really wanted to do it myself, so it took 10 times as long than if I would have let "the Man" help me, but it's all mine. (With his permission and access....:) 

I have to say, I have really enjoyed and gotten alot of support from the blogs that I "lurk" around on a regular basis.