Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Home Coming

Last night, on their anniversary, dressed in his finest uniform I am sure.  My Grandaddy ushered my Gram home.  Please keep our family in your thoughts.  It is for the best, and it is hard.  Family is going to have to travel in order to make it for the funeral.

Be at peace Grama Grama.  You were and will continue to be such a precious part of my life.  Your legacy will live on in each of us whose life you touched and are the richer for it.

Just for you Gram...  from Grandaddy...
Give those you love a hug or a call today...  Dana

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas Ya'll...

Ya know... things just never turn out the way we think they should.  The Man and I had soooo many plans for this Christmas...  Gonna do this.. gonna do that.. and all we really have accomplished is recovering from being sick, and figuring out that it's us that makes the "special".

The children have all had a wonderful Christmas, and my mom is enjoying the season with much ease and seems so at peace, that is my own miracle right there. 

It is late, and the Man is snoring...  (freight train.... woooooo woooooo).  Sucking down the ceiling, sawing logs.. whatever noise befitting a small tornado comes to mind...  So, I am taking this time to say this has been a most awesome season.

I have baked cookies with my kids and they WANTED to.  The Man has driven me around while I delivered Christmas to my kids in foster care cause I was just tooo sick to do it myself, and I didn't forget anyone for Christmas. 

The Man was thrilled with his presents.  We had our own special time of opening our gifts.  And, ya know.. this is the most precious gift.  When we were getting married....  I explained to him that I could never love him like he loved me.  You see my first husband had broken me in such a way, that I would not allow myself to love like that ever..  I explained that I loved him, but this is what I could offer...  He loved me enough for both of us.  Over time, with faithful dedication, patience, a few  alot of spankings, determination and just simple love, he has proved himself trustworthy of my heart.  I love him till I choke up everytime I think about how much.  It takes a very special, strong, dedicated man to marry a woman who tells him up front, that he loves her more and it is likely to stay that way...

So........  Man of Mine.  After my Savior, Jesus.  You are my most precious Christmas gift...

May you and yours have a Blessed, fun filled, love overflowing Christmas....

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

A Different way to Honor...

I have pondered many things over the last few days. I know the country is outraged and in mourning for the innocent lives so senselessly snuffed out as Sandy Hook Elementary.  The outrage, the demand for gun control, trying to make sense, watching the media make this a circus and the list goes on and on...  Whereas I won't weigh in on this, as it seems to have enough heat, it doesn't need me to add to the fire.

I would ask the community at large this one question, Where is your outrage of the abuse/neglect that occurs on a daily basis? I would ask, is it okay as long as the children don't die? Is it okay if only their spirits die? Is it acceptable if only their minds are broken? Is it okay as long as it's only their innocence and childhood that dies an untimely death?  I am not in any way trying to lessen or minimize the loss of those babies that died, please do not misunderstand me.

There are many avenues in which to advocate for children. One of the main ones being, how many of you have made it very clear to your district attorney and local government that you will not tolerate nor re-elect someone who will not prosecute child abusers be it physical or sexual? Have you made it clear that justice isn't just about winning a case. These children are not numbers. The only avenue they have for justice is our legal system and they are failing our children. Children are asked to do things that as adults we would press charges and their would be a great outcry to the public. Children are asked to sit in a room with their rapist/abuser because parents have rights. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the excuse, "people just don't want to believe bad things happen to children" in reference to charges being pressed.

Let me say here, I believe in the sanctity of the family. I believe in second chances, I believe people can change. I also firmly beileve that parents should have to DEMONSTRATE that change and the desire to effect that change before the risk of harming a child is even contemplated. People who want to change, do. I believe in mercy tempered with justice. I also believe that children have the same rights to be treated as human beings as anyone over the age of 18.

Many of our children are the walking wounded, and many are walking emotional/mental zombies. When you hear a child describe abuse in a way that they say, I once was this way and after "that" happened I was a completely different person, is this not a type of murder? Children are resilient, but at what cost? Those whose minds are so broken and shattered due to the treatment by the very people put on this earth to love and protect them deserve a voice. They deserve to be heard and honored as veterans in the most horrendous kind of warfare.

I am grieved for these babies who will never have the chance to grow up, go to college, find a job they love, or marry the mate of their dreams. However, I am no more grieved for them than the ones who are still breathing that have suffered such significant abuse that much the same can be said for their lives.  From what I can see from the media, these children were loved, wanted, cared for and cherished by both their families and their communities.  Their suffering was caused by a random act of violent evil from a stranger.   I cannot say the same for many of the children that I come in contact with who are broken, thrown away and their spirits "murdered" by the betrayal of the very people whom were given the God given honor to love and protect them as the gifts they were meant to be.

It saddens me that it takes such and act of violence for attention to be turned to the most innocent in our world.  There is evil in this world.  I see it every single day.  Yet, there is goodness, there are heroes, there are selfless acts of bravery, every day.

I challenge you, find a way to be a positive change. In honor of these babies whose precious light was taken from this Earth way too soon.  In honor of the love their families and community so obviously lavished upon each and every one of them.  Whether it is making your voice heard politically, taking foster parenting classes, mentoring young parents, mentoring children, donating toys, time, and love. Love is free.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

A Day in the Life....

Yeah, The Man is home, and I just haven't been in blogland...  The first few days the need to just BE with him is overwhelming.  I begrudge every phone call, every interruption..  I just want time for us as a family to get in the groove. 

Today, life intruded, but that was ok.  There have been a few chuckles.. like saying to my best friend...  "Wait, I need to daughter proof my bedroom before we let her in ( she's 14).  The look on my friends face as I calmly gathered up our two leather paddles and the hair brush, would have been mortifying if it hadn't been so darn funny.  I didn't expect her to follow me....

We have decorated for Christmas, taking out my angels and putting up the tree.  My son has taken over the outside lights, and he did a damn fine job...  My parents came over for dinner and I had a very pleasant, wonderful evening with my Mom.

Now, I am sitting here, watching my two youngest sons on the couch with their dad, cruisin' the net, looking at geeky tshirts and things ONLY nerds will get... God, how I love them all..   Tomorrow we will go to church as a family and i love that part..

The Man made the ultimate sacrifice and went grocery shopping with me today.  THAT is always entertaining as I feel it is important for him to see how much food costs...  I'm a really good shopper and it's still  VERY pricey folks..

Now, I am waiting, ever so patiently...for The Man to finish Daddy time.  Did I mention he is an awesome Dad?  Course he happens to be a pretty awesome husband and mate as well.  I am really blessed...

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Cookies.... cookies...

Okay.. so I saw the reminder (first time I saw it) on Heart and Soul.  It's Cookie Exchange Day..  Now, I have a man who loves him some cookies..  So I am always looking for recipes..  So, let's all play along.  I don't know that we'll be able to be on the list, but we'll figure it out.

These cookies are in honor of my kids.  My oldest son in particular.   Every year at Christmas, the oldest child gets to pick the "first Jelly" to be used.  My son once told his wife the smell of these cookies meant he was home......

1 cup of butter softened
1 cup of white sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups of self rising flour
Whatever jam, jelly you have and would like to use
Cream together shortening, sugar, egg and vanilla.                
Mix the dry with the wet ingredients.
Use a tablespoon and then roll into a ball, place on a cookie sheet and mash the middle with your thumb, making a well, but don't go through the dough.
Fill the well with whatever jelly or jam you could like          
Bake at 375 degrees for 8-10 minutes. Remove from oven and cool.


Monday, December 3, 2012

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a 17 year old girl, and she fell in love with a 27 year old soldier.  Their love was something to behold.  Together, they made a life with 4 beautiful children and umpteen grands and great grands..

Their love was an amazing thing to behold.  He called her "Sug".  She called him "Hon".He was quick to tell you that she was the greatest thing since sliced bread and she was his whole world.  He was a quiet man of slate gray eyes, and he was her knight in shining armor, best friend, father of her children and her soul mate.  She was social, loving, creative and for her, he was the only one.

Their love went beyond when he went home to be with the Lord.  Their love was so strong, he would come to her in her dreams and comfort her.  He came for three years after his passing.  His last time, he danced her around the room and told her to remember he loved her more than anything, and he would be waiting for her.. just on the other side.

She went on, living and loving her family.  Praying for her children and grands.  Quilting and sewing, until she could no longer see or remember how.

I am praying that their love is strong enough.  Strong enough that the soldier of 27, will come and get the spirit of that 17 year old girl and take her home.  She has fought the good fight.  With all my heart, I want to keep her, but not like this.  So, it is with deep sorrow, but love for her..  my hope is that my Grandaddy will dance into your dreams Granma Granma and take you home.  Home where I  know that  you will hear... "Well done thy good and faithful servant.  Enter in.. Enter in."

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers, My grandmother has slipping into a semi conscious state.  Please pray especially for my aunt who is the primary caretaker.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Is it Me? Or is it Him? Or is it Us?

Something changed.  Is it me?  Maybe.  Is it him?  Possible.  Is it us?  More than likely.

All I know is we are walking deeper into TTWD and it's all good.  Not always comfortable, but good.  I feel his love daily.  I feel his strength like a silent guardian.  His compassion has been like a comfortable chair I can sink into when I am tired and emotionally overwhelmed.

In this transition, shift of power, settling of submission, I have become more able to tell things.  Things that I wouldn't normally tell him out of protection for one of the kids, my parents, job, or friends. (read in here ---hiding)  When he showed me that he was willing to listen to me and hear what I have to say.. Something shifted.  The walls I often build have begun to crumble.

I was able to say to The Man.  "I need you to do something for me."  "I need you to give me a task to do daily.  I need to feel your authority and assistance with prioritizing."  I have had a daily task.  Sometimes a chore, sometimes a thought provoking scenario, sometimes a mental exercise, but all meant to help us grow.  I find I want to do a good job, not because I have to but because he wants me to.  I asked him for this and he is being very thoughtful in what kinds of things he asks me.

He has really stepped up with things like bed time so I can rest, setting boundaries for my loved ones and his so very strong, compassionate support of my job.  I needed to know I mattered, that my feelings were important and that I mattered enough to be pursued, and cherished and protected.

I am submissive by nature.  I have a very strong personality, but my need to please my husband is a driving force within me.  Doesn't mean I don't chafe at his authority sometimes.. Did I mention I like my own way?  Yet in his authority I find safety, I find security, I find.... me.

So is it me?  Is it Him?  I think most likely it's US and that is a good thing.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Tis the Season to be Jolly... Whoa.....

NOW, it's time to start getting ready for christmas.  The turkey has been stuffed and eaten, and the live Christmas trees have come down from the higher mountains.  To help us get into the "mood" I am posting some pics for our chuckle pleasure...  Hey.. gotta relieve the stress from the season...





Hope you guys enjoyed the "Kick off" to the season....


Saturday, November 24, 2012

How You've Grown....

The Holiday has been good.  All of my children were in one place for several days at a time.  My parents are doing well, and the only down side is The Man was not here.

My oldest son and his wife came in for the holidays.  The holidays are a very difficult time for my daughter and I was so appreciative of him stepping in and taking time to give me a break from the emotional mine field that often accompanies this time of year.

Simply put,  "sugar Man" you are my first born.  When I looked at you, I thought... "I will never love another human being like I love you."  Well, any mother or more than one child, knows that isn't true.  I love them all the same amount, but differently as they are all different.

You have given my such joy.  And even though you will never read this, I just have to share that you are such an amazing young man.  You are soft spoken, and even though you are over 6 feet  tall, when I look at you I see that sweet faced little boy with shining brown eyes who saw the wonder in everything in your world.  You still see the world, only now you are looking for a way to make it a better place.

Your love for your sister is such a sweetness to me that it is often hard to breathe when I watch you with her.  You are consistent and strong with compassion.  Your loyalty to those you love is strong and large.  Your love for your grandparents is a precious jewel that is hard to find and rare in it's beauty.

So...  this is our song..  How I love you...

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

And the Light Bulb Went off...

I had a rather disheartening day in court on Tuesday.  I left feeling frustrated and that I had not been the advocate that I should have been for those I am representing.

I chafed at feeling like kids were sacrificed in order to keep everyone else in the picture happy.

Then today...  I "saw the light" so to speak.  When speaking with one of the supervisors, and trying to explain my thoughts and feelings on the matter and listening to her reasoning I felt worse than ever.  It was explained to me that we were keeping "the law" happy. 

She went on to explain that she simply couldn't operate from "that" place.  I looked puzzled as she said, "When you start a statement with "I feel".  I start mine with, "I think".  In order to do this job effectively, you must divorce your feelings and deal logically.  YOU lead with your feelings and that is okay for you...  and then she realized what she said, and tried to correct herself saying she had feelings as well.

I was and am very offended.  I am not an emotional basket case that can't or won't operate from a logical stand point.  Then the light went off.  I am passionate, I care.  I want what is best for these kids.  I am willing to open my heart to them and work hard for them and their families.  I don't wanna be like her.

I respect her, (maybe not so much today) however, I don't ever want to be able to divorce or put my feelings in a box to the extent that I am willing to sacrifice a child to make the "law" happy or the parents or the attorneys.  Our job is to advocate for these children and stand for them.  I am on my way out, this is true, I pray daily that God will give me the strength to stand strong till I am able to walk away.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Liebster Award, Part II

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Liebster Award

Alrighty!!!! I was "chosen" for this by Rogue. I'm just sure it was because I wanted my own smiley face. So.. here we go.

  • When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
  • One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
  • One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one's own blog!
  • One pastes the award picture into one's blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!
    So... I nominate....  Bonnie from My Bottom Smarts, Chelsea from Knowing your Roles, Clint from LDD, Grace from Enjoying the Journey, TL from Nobody Said it would be Easy, His First Mate, RedBootyWoman, Stormy, Tess, Ronnie, and.. Me My Husband and I...
    GOOD GRIEF!!!  That was hard...  Now on to the fun stuff...
    1.  What is your favorite kind of ice cream.
    2.  What is your favorite memory of your spouse/significant other?
    3.  Where would you like to travel if you could go anywhere in the world?
    4.  What is your favorite color?
    5.  Roller coaster or water rides?
    6.  Beach or the mountains?
    7.  What brought you to TTWD?
    8.  What do you like best about yourself?
    9.  Cat lover or dog lover?
    10.  Describe yourself in one word?
    11. Would you attend a social gathering of folks who practice DD?
    Now, tell me 11 random things about yourself...   I am really looking forward to your answers...

    The Liebster Award

    Alrighty!!!!  I was "chosen" for this by Rogue.  I'm just sure it was because I wanted my own smiley face.  So.. here we go.
  • When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
  • One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
  • One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one's own blog!
  • One pastes the award picture into one's blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!

  • Here are Rogue’s questions and my answers:

    • What is the first thing you notice about a man you just met?     Are his shoulders broad
    • What celebrity do you resemble?      Huh?  Yeah... no
    • What is one thing you swore you would never do....and did?     Have sex outside
    • How tall are you?     5'8
    • What color is the underwear you have on right now?     Emerald Green
    • Are your dreams in color or black and white?     both actually
    • Are you a morning person or night owl? night owl
    • What is your nickname?     I hat two.  The Man calls me Hot Stuff and my daddy calls me Sissy.
    • If you could go back in time, where would you go?      April 2005
    • What is the funniest thing you've ever heard a child say?     "Mom, I can't  listen to two people at one time, and my friend was talking...." Was my sons answer when I asked why he wasn't listening to the teacher.

    Eleven random facts about me...

    • My favorite color is purple
    • I have a big dog named Pixie
    • I have a vindictive streak when pushed to the max
    • I giggle when I'm tired
    • I am a very cheap date when I drink
    • I love my kids sense of sarcastic humor
    • I love to play practical pranks
    • I desperately want to go to Ireland
    • I talk in my sleep
    • I love lasagna
    Whew.... that was hard.  Now I'll have to do the nominating and questions in the morning..

    Friday, November 16, 2012

    You Can't Make Me....

    Sometimes, you just need room to breathe.  To think.  To feel.  The Man and I, we don't fight often.  A major issue between us has been my job.  I love it, he hates it and there's just no middle ground.  The last round of "I want you to quit."  "You can't make Me!!!" was rather painful.  And then, after some serious talking, thinking and alot of nasty ugly things, he uttered some very difficult words for him.   "I'm not going to ask you to quit  your job again." 

    That was two months ago.  I guess for those who don't know, I am a children's social worker.  I have been for 23 year in one capacity or another.  I have been in my current position for 11 years, almost 12.  As I sat writing court reports this last week, knowing I was going to be forced to return children into situations that at best, weren't in their best interest and at worst put them at high risk for abuse, something dropping into my heart and settled over my soul.

    In the years I've worked this job, I have said many things.
    • I'm tired
    • I'm overwhelmed
    • I'm weary to my soul
    • I don't know how long I can do this
    • I don't know how long I want to do this
    But I have never said what settled over my soul.  I hear that small voice say.... "I'm done."  Now for folks who are close to me, they know that is the finish line.  For me to be done, means there is no going back.  I want to leave while the kids and families I am working with can still say they had a damn fine social worker and never felt like a job.

    I can not leave right away, and in talking with The Man, we have agreed that I need to do this the right way in a way that maintains the reputation I have worked so very hard to build and maintain.  He was gentle as he told me, "I'm not going to push for a time frame, but I am going to begin to prepare us for you to leave."

    He humbled me.  He didn't gloat (and he could have).  He didn't fuss me out or get angry because I could have agreed to his decree two months ago, two years, ago, four... you get the idea. He didn't demand a time line.   It wasn't time then.  I needed room to breathe... to feel...  to let go.   Am I afraid?  Yes.  I don't know what is to become of the future.  I am not meant to stay at home.  I worked very hard to build my career.  I was, well mine.  It was the one thing I did well, when it felt that I had failed in so very much.  He is supportive of me.  He was kind, and my feelings mattered.  Ya just can't ask for more than that..

    Saturday, November 10, 2012

    Is there a support group for HoH Withdrawl?

    The time has come, the time is now...  I am sitting quietly, gathering up my strength to send The Man off with a smile on my face and making sure he knows just how much I love him.

    It has been a particularly sweet/struggle this time home.  We have learned and grown, and worked on us.  Sometimes, life gets so busy, that we put our relationship on the back burner, thinking it will just maintain itself till we can get back to it.  This we have learned is NOT the case. 

    I have not the strength to do for others if I have not filled my well with the reserves of his love and strength.  He can not fill my tank if I have not filled his.  It's like on the plane when they are talking about safety and it says, if you are helping someone, put YOUR oxygen on first.  I have to keep myself in good working order in order to do the things I must for others.  This has been a very hard lesson for me.  (Yeah, well don't be thinking I've got it down pat...)

    So, I will drive him to the airport.  We will talk, we will laugh, he will leave me instructions of things he would like to see done.  I will not cry as that breaks his heart and makes it difficult for him to leave..    (So I wait till I pull away).  I will hug him and kiss him and tell him to come home safely to me.  We are strong, but we are so much stronger together.  He will squeeze me tight and pat my bottom and promise he will.

    This is our song.  It is so... Us...  I love that Moon Hangin' Man of Mine.


    Friday, November 9, 2012

    I thought of Several Bloggers today...

    Here are some post cards... As I read them, I thought of several of you, whose blog I read and have had the joy of "meeting" on the network and on my own blog...




    Tuesday, November 6, 2012

    Larger than Life

    As we approach the Thanksgiving season in the US.  I was thinking today, as I was chatting with my Dad that I had some things I needed to share.  He'll never see this, and would be terribly embarassed if he did.

    My Daddy has always been larger than life.  He is a big burly man of Irish/Cherokee descent.  His family is everything.  His heart is as big as life and he has always been the go to person.  He has fixed a million cars for his nephews and our family.  He is a jack of all trades.  There is nothing he couldn't do with his hands.  We never had to "call the man" because he WAS the man. 

    He instilled in his children a sense of morality, right and wrong.  A strong work ethic was required and expected.  You were honest and you never took what didn't belong to you, and  you gave to those who needed it.  He honored his parents till the day they died.  It was the only time I ever saw him cry was when my grandpa died.  He has stood by my mother with a commitment that even I don't understand some days.

    Is he perfect?  Um, NO.  He has a temper that is legendary.  He was often gruff and harsh, not understanding that words hurt.  Emotions are hard for him as he was taught that men only show anger and no other kind of emotion.  So, he poured himself into doing things for those he loved.  That was the only way he could show it. 

    I remember a bike with a torn seat that had seen better days at a flea market.  (we were rather poor as children).  My Daddy bought that bike, brought it home, sanded it, took it apart, painted it the most awesome color of white and red with a new banana seat and handles with streamers.  I just know it went faster because of them.  Hours and hours he spent on that bike. 

    I remember the day I called with tears pouring down my face.. "Daddy, I lost the baby."  And the day I called and said, "Daddy.... DADDY.. it's  gonna be a boy."

    I remember my Daddy standing at the bedside of my son who was in the ICU, as he held my hand.

    I remember him saying, as I called broken hearted from a marriage that didn't make it, "Sissy, come home, as long as I have a home so do you."

    I remember laying my head in his lap and sobbing my heart out when my oldest son decided to go and live with his father.

    I remember him saying, "Sissy, you can't hold it against her.  She's not herself right now."

    I have said to The Man, whatever will I do when My Daddy is gone?  There will never be another human on this Earth that knows me like he does.

    I found this song, and it truly is My Daddy and I.  Although you will never see this... Big B, my life is so much richer because of you.

    Monday, November 5, 2012

    Welcome to the Spank Free Zone... Come one, Come All

    Hear Ye... Hear Ye.....  On this day, it is declared.. that Dana's Derriere is a Spank free ZONE...  Yep...  yep... yep.... NONE of this:

    WOOHOOO.. and what is it that Stormy says about TOG?  Yep..  it tastes Sweet as sugar on my tongue to say it...

    All joking aside...  and OH GOD, it was good to say it..  I have a pinched nerve in my hip and therefore, spanking would soooo not be a good idea.  I am working on it with the friendly chiropractor, and in all fairness to the Man....  I am trying very hard to behave and not vex him. 

    Yet, a girl has to have SOME fun.. so today, I passed by him and swatted HIM on the butt, and said, "Somebody needs to be spanked, and it can't be me..."  I know.. I like to walk on the wild side..  I think I have TOG's buddy living inside of me.  I think they talk...  However, I did straighten right up when he looked at me with those serious blue eyes and said... "Do NOT make me get creative.."  Yup, nuff said on that...

    Saturday, November 3, 2012

    Rocky... Rambo.. Braveheart...And Rob Roy...

    I love the underdog...  I love the movies where the men have courage, honor, determination, a spine of steel and a heart full of compassion.  So I married one.

    It has taken me almost two months to process and settle down some things that happened when my mother was in the hospital.  To be short and sweet, she said something that devastated me.  Over the years, there are periods of time that I come to terms with the fact that I am NOT the chosen child.  My mother, who does the best she can, needs me MUCH more than she loves me.  As long as I keep that in the FRONT, very front of my mind, I am okay.  It's when I forget that she has the ability to wound me so deeply.  There are times I can do nothing for the little girl inside me who will forever desperately wish her mother could love her and accept her.

    You see, I am not dainty.  I am not prissy.  I am not a socialite.  I am not elegant.  A good analogy is, I am not a thoroughbred.  I am a clydesdale.  I can get the work done.  I am loyal, but I'm not a show horse...  I will never be what my mother wanted in a daughter and as long as I remember that, we can be okay.  I love my mom.  I am devoted to both her and my Daddy. 

    Enter The Man.  In retrospect (thanks Cat) I can see that he was just desperate for his wife to have some relief.  There were some very hurtful things said.  He was sure the only way to relieve stress was for me to quit my job...  Well, folks, let me tell ya...  It's the only sanity I get.  Not to mention, they like me there, they appreciate me, they are a positve force in my life.  I am good at what I do.  I feel good about what I do there.  I feel competent there.

    After ALOT of just icky...  This is what I have seen in the Man this month home.  He has been kind.  He has been generous.  We haven't talked alot about things.  He has SHOWN me.  He has pursued me.  He has done the things that matter to me.  Like keeping the house clean.  Letting me know that he listened to what I said and made sure I knew my feelings mattered.  He has been on top of his game and I have been spanked as needed and he has made sure that I know that I am his number one priority. 

    No, he's not Sly, he's not Rob Roy, or Mel.  He's much better.  He's mine.  He has been decisive, and the most humbling thing, he has said when he was wrong and we have worked to make changes.  It takes such courage to admit when you missed the mark.  But, ya know what?  His willingness to be that vulnerable has paved the way for me to do the same.  Therefore, we are no longer in some kind of gridlock from hell, we are working together and that is awesome.

    Sunday, October 28, 2012

    You Say Tomato....

    The Man and I haven't been an active part of this world we find ourselves in for long, at least not publically.  We are by nature very private people.  We had been learning to walk out this lifestyle for a while before we sought like minds on the net.  The Man actually found initially sites, (My Bottom Smarts- thanks Bonnie and Learning Domestic Discipline- Thanks Clint and Chelsea).  From there, I found others- Red Booty Woman and Sheltered in a Storm. (Thanks both of you for your kindness and openess).

    Many of us come to this life from very different walks of life, from different places.  For example, just to name a few:

    • Some have marriages or relationships that were DD from the very beginning and know no other way.
    • Some enjoy erotic spanking and "kinky" sex along with having discipline in their relationship
    • Some have always been submissive to their husbands but are just now incorporating discipline
    • Some find NO sexual enjoyment from spanking or being disciplined
    • Some started with a BDSM flavor and incorporated a more traditional relationship with the man being dominant and taking responsibility for leading the relationship
    • Some women stumble on to the sites we all frequent to share their sorrow and pain from being abused and find that this lifestyle is not about being a door mat
    The list goes on an on.  One thing that I find is a common thread is respect.  Relationships are based on respect.  So, if we have entered into a lifestyle where respect, care, communication, and protection are the foundation, I wonder why we in the community can't treat one another with the same attitude...  RESPECT.   Just as in my relationship with The Man, I don't always agree with him, but I always respect him.  I am disciplined if I do not respectfully communicate with him. 

    Unfortunately, I am afraid that the anonynimity of being behind a screen gives the impression that we have the right to be unkind, cruel or disrespectful.  For example, if one chooses to become a member of a social network whose main focus is a DD relationship, that is where it should remain.  For exammple of you have joined the network of LDD and you are also heavily into BDSM, (which is ok and so not the point) I feel that you should focus on the DD part of your relationship.  In other words, you should never make others feel uncomfortable in the LDD  network with your BDSM flavor.  And the reverse is true for others who only practice DD to do the same at a BDSM site.

    There is lots of information out here.  We all have opinions and insight.  Instead of slinging mud or usurping others good works, or pointing fingers, placing blame or in my mother's words, "Stirring the POT", we should practice with others what we have agreed to with our mates.  RESPECT.  I don't have to agree with everything you say to respect you and find merit in things that fit my life and help me through difficult times.  TTWD is hard enough, isolating enough without us isolating one another.  And in the vein of this post, my opinion and a buck will buy you a cheap cup of Java SOMEWHERE...  I just want t say that I appreciate everyone who has been such an encouragment  to me and have been so open and honest and helped me not to feel so alone.

    Thursday, October 25, 2012

    Inquiring Minds and all that Jazz

    Today's blog is based on the following excerpts from text messages from my phone...

    Me:  Do I have to go to my Doctor's appointment today?

    The Man:  Yes, NO excuses.

    Me:  I don't much like you right now.

    The Man:  I can live with that.

    Later... after the steam has stopped rising from the top of my head...

    Me:  I don't think I can do this...

    The Man:  Yes you can.


    Me:  I don't want to go to the Doctor, and the Man has already said no excuses...

    Cat:  Sorry Sweetie... but I agree ...

    Me:  I think I would rather take the spanking...  It surely won't be THAT bad...

    Cat:  Ummmm  I think it's gonna be under the catergory of one that I never, EVER, EVER, ever want to do THAT again...

    So, I went.  It was really hard, but I went.  Some good news, some not so good news, but nothing that can't be dealt with.

    Even after all my anxiety and less than pleasant attitude, when I walked out into the lobby, sitting there was.... The Man, waiting patiently, lovingly, and all mine.  He opened his arms and I went to them. 

    Sunday, October 21, 2012

    Two places at once...

    I wish I could be two places at once.  The Man was gracious enough to take me to see my number one son and daughter in love in Chicago.  We have had a wonderful time.  Again, I am without my phone or computer.  (We brought his) 

    I watched as my son nervously cooked dinner for us, wanting to show me that he had picked up some of my cooking skills.  I had a huge lump in my throat as he said, "Shall we say grace?" and took the hand of his wife as well as mine and prayed.  We had dinner (which was yummy) and finished it out with an amazing lemon chess pie.  OMG...  it was really good.

    This morning, as we went to worship with our kids, I heard from others in the community what an amazing man my son has become.  As a parent, this is the most humbling thing you can here.  "Your son is such a blessing to us.  You have raised an amazing man with a huge heart."  The father of their parish simply stated, "You have raised quite the miracle in him."  Again, I had a lump in my throat as my son got up to do the scripture reading and then led the prayer part of their service.  He has chosen a denomination different from my own, and I simply don't care.  As a parent, I am just thrilled he continues to walk with God and is contributing to better the lives of those around him.

    I watched the pride in his eyes and the way he carried himself as he showed me his community garden that he revived this year.  You see, in the inner city, the children there are being diagnosed with rickets due to poor nutrition.  He is amazing and he is following the dream God has given him.

    My daughter in love could be making ALOT of money but instead she has chosen to make a good living at a community health center where without her and others like her, the community would not have decent medical care.  She loves her patients and works with the local agency to provide care for children just coming into foster care.

    Tomorrow I will have to say good bye.  Their life is here and mine is not.  Oh how I wish I could be two places at once.  I will hug my son and say to him what I have said since he was a child, "I miss your face when it's gone."

    Tuesday, October 16, 2012

    Am I the only one who thinks God has a wicked sense of humor?

    Let's face it...  some things in life could give one the impression that the Big Man upstairs has a cosmic sense of humor...

    Ya know things like, the last 6 weeks of pregnancy is God's way of making labor not look SOOO bad...

    Confessing what you THINK your husband knows, only to realize that wasn't it...

    And my absolute favorite at this moment.  Being shown BEYOND a shadow of a doubt just HOW bad something can be so that you aren't only okay with going to the doctor, but wishing that the appointment was TOMORROW!!!!!
    Like I said.. am I the only one who thinks God has a wicked sense of humor?

    Sunday, October 14, 2012

    He gets it... And so do I...

    We had a wonderful weekend in Atlanta.  I truly had his undivided attention.   I heard several times throughout the weekend, "Have I told you lately how much I love you?"  It was always out of nowhere, not any time when it could be said, it was because of something I was doing.

    I have to admit, nothing, NOTHING makes me bossier, brattier, or pushier than feeling uncertain, afraid, or like things are out of control.  He has shown me in a most loving way this weekend, that he gets it. Therefore, so have I.
    I have been disciplined, I have been spanked till we both felt better (maintenance), swatted in public (in a playful/serious manner), expected to yield in obedience,  and so very loved.  I have been able to settle down, and feel secure.  He has stepped up and in that, I have been able to step under the shelter of his strength.  I find that I fit just perfectly under his arm, at his shoulder,  right next to his heart.
    This place.. it is beside him.  He is taller, so he is over me, but I am there to keep him from falling.  I am there to support.  I am tucked under his heart, sheltered by his strength.  I truly believe that is what marriage is supposed to be.  It has been such a wonderful weekend.  Do I sometimes chafe at his authority?  Well, Yeah..  But he gets it.. and so do I....  And it's leading to quite a wonderful life we are living....

    Friday, October 12, 2012

    Maybe NOT the best tiime for total Honesty

    So, The Man is home.  WOOOOHOOOOO...  Strike up the band folks.  It has been a very difficult month.  I picked him up from the airport and home we went.  Unfortunately there was about three hours before the whole let's get this over with spanking could occur.  I did my best, I truly did, but the last 30 minutes was just torturous. 

    SOOO.....  he's being kind as he's lecturing, and it goes something like this:

    The Man:  I'm sorry that we are here, and I know that you are sorry that you smoked.

    Me:  Actually, I'm not.  I'm sorry that you are upset and that I disappointed you, but I feel like I did what I needed to do to maintain my sanity.  Given the same set of circumstances, I would do it again.

    (I KNOW.... I KNOW...  Where were all of you when my mouth was just running... running... running...)

    The look of shock/surprise on his face would have been comical had I not been about to go over his knees.  He did however recover well.  I got the whole, thank you for your honesty, and he meant it.  Just as he meant what came after.  He was firm, he was kind, and I was spanked.

    Yet, in the aftermath is when I could straddle his lap, and lay my head on his shoulder, and as he held me, whisper, "I'm sorry for my part in making things so bad between us."  Which opened the door for him to hold me tight and say back,"and I am sorry for mine." 

    He has taken me away for the weekend.  My phone has been left at home and so has my computer.  I have had his undivided attention and it's been great.  Do we have talking to do?  Yes..  but The Man is taking me to the Zoo today... 

    Tuesday, October 9, 2012

    Things that make you go... Hmmmmm

    It is time for The Man to come home.  I am so excited.  It has been an extremely difficult month.  We have struggled more than usual.  We didn't handle it well.  He withdrew, I shut down and the wheels called our love came to a GRINDING halt.  It took some time, and patience and the healing began.

    I am strangely at peace.  Things have been so up and down on the emotional roller coaster.  I was finally able to humbly ask my Man to help me.  Help me by being strong, being consistent and love me enough to lead.  Even if I balk (who me?)  I need him to be the strong man that I know will shelter me under his protection and love.

    I have no illusions that this is gonna be a walk in the park.  I will need to remind myself that I am so very tired of feeling like I am all alone.  That everyone wants a piece of me and there just isn't enough to go around.  The reality is this:

    1.  I am the wife of an amazing Man who is out of town 6 months out of the year.
    2.  I am the mother of 4 awesome kids, two of whom have a very unique outlook on life.
    3.  I am the daughter of a mother who has significant bipolar and is not stable.
    4.  I am the daughter of a father who has a terminal illness.
    5.  I am a Social worker for kids who need an advocate.
    6.  I am me.

    None of these things are changing.  Sooooooooo, what must change is HOW I deal with this.  I have taken it all on my own....  I got this.. I got this....  Damn.. I soooo don't have this.  Therefore, I have asked The Man to help me set boundaries.  Boundaries with my kids, boundaries with my Mom, boundaries with my job. 

    Do I have a spanking coming?  Yes, I do.  I did the crime, I'll pay the dime.  Oddly enough, I'm not fearful.  Usually I am so beside myself by this time it's agony.  Oddly enough, I am calm.  I trust him to do the right things.  I trust him to love me enough to discipline.  To reconnect with me.  TTWD is a process.  We are growing, we are changing.  It's not always comfortable, but I take great comfort in knowing that we are doing it together.

    Saturday, October 6, 2012

    Does He See Me????

    Today is Saturday.  The Man comes home on Thursday.  It has been a very difficult time away this time.  There have been issues, and hurt feelings, trust issues, and did I mention smoking?  I thought not.  Anywho.... 

    I have had to ask myself many things over the last two weeks.  I have had to ask him many things.  The main question being, Do I matter to you?  Me!!!  Not your wife, not the mother of your children, not my mother's daughter, not the social worker, not the children's church worker, not the warriors best friend, but me.

    Me who has hopes and dreams.  Me who longs to be pursued.  Me who so desperately needs to feel his strength and to be sheltered under his protection.  Me who longs to be held.  Me who pushes against the rules to see if he cares enough to hold true.  Me who wants to matter more than anyone else.  Me who so desperately loves.  Just me.  Not what I can do, not what I can accomplish, not what I have accomplished, but just me.

    We have fought, we have struggled, we have been unkind to one another.  I wanted answers, he didn't have one.  I pushed, he withdrew, he became cold, I panicked, I pushed.. and round and round we went.  So, I think I was able to get through to him the other day, and we decided not to talk for a couple of days to give him time.  It helped.  We have much to get through, but in my heart, I know we are going to be okay.

    He realizes that I need his authority, but that my trust level is low and I am more than likely going to balk...  (who me?  Not me.....)  That he is going to have to prove that he can handle my emotions, as I'm not going to be overly willing to share at this point.  He also stated that he wants me to communicate and be open...  (Ya know, this last paragraph makes me tired just typing it...) 

    I do believe that I am going spend a good bit of time OTK, and that is okay.  Cause that means he sees ME.  Me who needs to be taken in hand and know that he loves me enough to do just that.  I'll let ya know how I feel about all this in about a week......

    Monday, October 1, 2012

    It Spoke to me Today...

    This song, it spoke to me today.  Now, I have a strong faith, and live my life a certain way.  I don't shove my love of Jesus on other people.  I try to live my example.  Music has always spoke to my heart in the good times and bad.  So many memories are wrapped up in music.

    I am truly struggling right now.  Struggling to be submissive, struggling not to retreat, struggling not to just throw in the towel and go back to the way thing were.  I don't think either of us could do that. Struggling not to strike out in my pain and confusion. Struggling to trust that we will find a way to work through this and come out on the other side having not lost me.

     To me this song is the modern day version of  "Jesus loves me this I know." 

    Saturday, September 29, 2012

    We can learn much from Animals....

    It is time for a little comic relief folks.  We can learn much from animals...


    Okay I love this one...
    I often feel this way at work!!!
    Anyone on a diet can understand...
    Okay.. my kids say I have a look just like this..
    AND... I need this on a sweatshirt..
    What every parent should use...
    Now I just knew there was much to be learned from the animal kingdom.  I hope I was able to provide a chuckle!!!

    Friday, September 28, 2012

    I can trust you with my bottom but what about my heart?

    I guess it's my time to take a turn at the OMG what am I doing phase of this life.  I have read so many blogs, and had hoped that by doing so, I would dodge what I have come to believe the common ailments of TTWD.  I have also come to know it's in the growing that things change.

    First of all, let me say, these are MY feelings.  He is a good man, and honorable man.  He is also human and makes mistakes.  They are not made with malice or evil intent.  I have come to know this doesn't make the hurt any less.  I want it made clear he isn't abusive or mean and I don't need saving.

    This life we live, it forces me to be more honest, vulnerable and open.  The goody's about this is pretty amazing.  However, when the pain comes along I find it may be more than I can bear.  There was no barrier, nothing to muffle the pain when the accusation was leveled.  (it doesn't matter what it was, only that I felt attacked and betrayed)  You see, I had been honest with him and shared with him information that I feel he turned and used against me.  Quite frankly, in my heart it was shattering. 

    He says it wasn't meant to be that way, and I believe him.  That however does not change how I feel.  Hence the title, I may be able to trust you with my bottom, but my heart is another matter.  I took a chance and let him in and it hasn't turned out very well.  I didn't hold back that little part, and I find the pain excruciating.

    I am honest enough to say I believe that the issues with my mother and all the trash from my childhood that she brought to the surface has made this all the more sensitive.  When your mother can't love you as a mother should, and it feels like your husband can't, then you start looking to see what is wrong with "me".  Cause there has to be some flaw in me, something that makes those I love the most turn from me at a most pivotal moment.

    I find that I am rambling and I'm sorry for that.  I don't know where we go from here.  I love my husband, I am just so very wounded at this point, I have completely withdrawn.

    Wednesday, September 26, 2012

    Walking the Talk

    Part of what has drawn me to comb through blogs is the honesty of the writers.  When I first found Sheltered in the Storm, I read it all, from the beginning to the end.  I appreciated Stormy's honesty in her feelings and struggles.  I zipped over to Red Booty Woman, and laughed with her and reached out to find her honest and kind.  I stumbled over to Learning Domestic Discipline and found respect for Clint and Chelsea and was humbled that they took the time to answer questions and have been so supportive as The Man and I have worked at making TTWD our own.  After reading, and reading, and lurking, and lurking...  I made a leap of faith and joined "the network" and found kinship, and support which has been so very invaluable to me.

    All that being said, I have tried to keep things positive here about my feelings and relationship in my home.  Today, I am struggling.  I see the benefits of this life.  I am submissive in nature in that I long to please the man I love.  Yet, I have a strong personality, a strong will.  On days like today, I have feelings and thoughts like, "I am my own person."  "I don't want to lose me."  "Why should I have to ...... fill in the blank."  It's not anything that The Man has done.  I sometimes go through this when he is gone, or when he's home. 

    I think things like.. If I wanna smoke, I should be able to smoke.  If I want to gorge on sugar, so be it.  Why am I doing this?  I don't HAVE to do this.  I can put the brakes on.  Why do I have to share my feelings?  Why do I have to be vulnerable?  Why do I care what he thinks?  What he feels?  Well, actually, those are easy.  I love him and I care about his feelings.  Anyway, On days like today, I feel smothered.  I feel caged in.  I feel so very alone. 

    And, while I'm on the subject.  Am I allowed to be angry?  Am I allowed to be pissed off?  Am I allowed to have a bad day?  I mean some days it's just a sucky day, and add to it, I have to watch what I say, how I act.  It hardly seems worth it.  If I could just throw a fit, I'm sure I'd feel better.

    Why does he get to tell me what to do? 

    Yet, I want to make sure that I am understood.  He is good, he is kind.  These are my struggles.  This is the life I chose.  Begged for it actually.  My head knows that I need it.  Things are so out of control right now.  I am all over the place.  I am spinning.  I am sure tomorrow will look better, or at least I'll have a better handle on this.  I know we all struggle with this.  I know cause others were kind enough to be honest...

    Sunday, September 23, 2012

    OKAY!! Who did it?

    I have been "involved" with the network and blogland for a few months now.  I have often felt sorry for the other gals whose HoH seem much stricter than mine.  I have however figured out, that TTWD is a tailor made fit for each couple.  The Man doesn't want to micro-manage me, and I don't know that I could live under that kind of strain.  I fear I would drive myself crazy and become resentful and bitter in the "trying" to get things just right. 

    That being said, in the times when I am so stressed and I feel like things are pulling me in all directions and there isn't enough of me to go around, I find that I can't get ANYTHING done.  I'm either too overwhelmed to even begin the tasks I need to do or I can't seem to figure out where to start.  In desperation, yesterday I asked the Man to hold me accountable for a list of tasks I wanted to get done yesterday.  He agreed, AND.

    He informed me that I would need to be in bed at a certain time.  So....  the ONLY thing I can figure is that one of the OTHER Hoh'y type people has unduly influenced mine...  Add with that the fact I now have a writing assignment to help me to help him figure out the demands on my time...  Yep, I'm sure of it.  I'm so appreciative... NOT....
    So in a very short amount of time I have experienced the following:
    • A writing assignment (it's not punishment, but one is going to come down the pike IF I don't get it done.)
    • A bedtime
    • A dead line for a doctor's apointment
    • Accountability for tasks 
    And he's done it in a very quiet, calm, no nonsense, I love you and it's not up for debate kinda way.  He always listens and makes decisions accordingly.  You know like, I did the two rooms I said in the house yesterday, but didn't get the number of loads laundry done because one of the kids had one in the washer, and then turned the dryer off and I didn't realize it.  Or when I explain that I took a nap as he encouraged, and I'm not tired. 
    Yeah, the writing assignment is iron clad as is that doctor's appointment.  I tried to wiggle my way out of the assignment, but it's a NO go, and well, we won't discuss that appointment again.  I sometimes (gggrrrr) chafe at this new turn of events.  Yet, I feel better, am calmer.  Go figure!!!!

    Tuesday, September 18, 2012

    Well.. Just GRRRRR

    I know that my halo is all shiney and stuff.  Being as though I am just so good at this whole yielding thing...  (yes, folks you may need to get your waders out, it's getting deep quickly)


    I just have this one itty bitty small, really... Hardly noticeable flaw...  I hate being told what to do when it has ANYTHING to do with me, my body in particular.  Time has come, the time is now!  for those of you who have been with me from the beginning of this short journey.  You KNOW, that The Man has insisted on a doctor's appointment with my least favorite doctor, the GYN.  Who comes up with these names?    I have a few more that might be a little more appropriate....

    However, since I am wearing my halo.. all shiney and bright...

    Doesn't she look happy? 
    So...  I was given the overbearing, dictatorial,  loving, instruction to have an appointment made with the doctor by Friday.  I am aware that I am TOTALLY out of grace, leniency, miracles, tolerance, whatever you want to put here.
    It would be much easier if I was just being a brat about it.  I would much rather be a brat about it.  However, the bottom line is I am terrified of this kind of doctor.  I can't bear for The Man to go because it so hard for me and I am embarassed and humiliated at how hard it is for me, and I fear I wouldn't be able to hold myself together if he went.  (I tend to not be able to build walls when he is around, that's a good thing right?)  Yet, to have to go, I feel like I am leading myself to the slaughter.  I hate having to discuss things, especially when I suspect know something is wrong.
    I am ashamed of my weakness.  I am angry at being made to do something I don't want, even though I know he feels its for my own good.  This is the struggle.  I know many have struggled.  He has made a decision, I don't like it.  It is my choice to submit.  It is also my choice to yield with a respectful attitude.  I'm not feeling either one right now..  The good news is I have till Friday.....

    Sunday, September 16, 2012

    On the Eve of a New Beginning

    Well tomorrow is the day.  I went shopping today after making out a menu.  The ground rules have been set, and I go tomorrow to talk with a personal trainer.

    This is not easy for me, and it's not easy for him.  The Man does NOT like to spank me, or discipline me.  I have promised to be honest and that means he will have to.  I'm human and well I like cookies...

    I thought about it and prayed about it and this is what I sent The Man today.  I am putting it here so that IF (never not me) I should ever whine and complain, you all can remind me of what I promised, of my OWN free will.

    Upon thinking and reflecting about what I want from this journey, I have come to the following conclusions:
    1.        My body was wonderfully designed by God, and it is not right for me to treat it disrespectfully.

    2.       I have committed to not damage our relationship.  When I don’t eat right, it causes problems for us in the areas of intimacy, and my ability to thrive in our relationship.

    3.       When I choose not to eat right, I am a poor example for our children.

    4.       When I choose to not take care of my health, I am breaking the rule of not exercising dangerous behavior, as it leads to health problems.

    5.       I understand that my need to find comfort in food is a form of distancing from you.  I should turn to you for comfort, not destructive behaviors that make me feel bad about myself and defeats my goals.

    That being said, I promise the following:
    1.        To keep my daily food log.

    2.       To exercise 5 days a week.

    3.       To work on the things emotionally that causes me to want to eat.

    4.       To be honest with you in my food log and exercise log, even if it means punishment.

    5.       I will accept your discipline with the understanding it wipes the slate clean and every day is a new day.

    6.       I will find ways to be good to myself and strive to become acceptable to myself. 

    I am asking you to: 

    1.        Be consistent.  Help me be consistent.  I need your strength to hold me accountable. 

    2.       I need you to love me enough to discipline me.  This is nothing you are doing to me.  You are helping me in a way that I am asking you to for my own sake.

    3.       Help me to keep on my schedule even when you are home.

    I love you so very much for loving me enough to walk this journey with me.

    So, as you can see, it's all or nothing.  Wish me luck, and pray the CEO at McDonald's doesn't  here about this...